Aries: The goats are invading. Trust no one.
Taurus: Netflix threatens all of our sanity. Enemies of the heir, beware.
Gemini: You will begin to question the sanity of the team of young adults writing these horoscopes. You will begin to wonder if maybe you should not have put so much stock into our words. You will be wrong.
Cancer: Trees are more intelligent than we think; planning to take over. Stay tuned for more later.
Leo: Maybe you’re not feeling on top of things. Maybe you’re feeling… below of things. Well, you would be… best to get on top of things as soon as possible. No, really. The mouse birds are coming for you, and you would do best to be more careful about that homework from now on.
Virgo: This month heralds a new friendship entering your life. A new friendship… with your pet goat. Don’t have a pet goat? No problem! Find one at your local petting zoo today. Trust us, the rest will come from there.
Libra: Okay. When we told you that sleep was for the strongest warriors last month, we did not mean for you to start sleeping 11 hours a day. Please, friend–wake up. You’re late for school again.
Scorpio: Look to the stars. Currently cloudy out? Middle of the day? No problem. Simply install blackout curtains and proceed to paint stars on them. Got that finished? Good. Now look to the stars. We’re still not entirely sure what happens from there.
Capricorn: Remember that song from your childhood that you’ve had stuck in your head since 2003? Look up the lyrics on Google. Pick the third line. Your horoscope can be found there.
Aquarius: Hmm. Stars are looking merciful this month. Pity.
Pisces: The glitter has infected your organs. It is too late for you now, young soul.
Aries: Watch out for cows. Our latest intelligence says they’re planning to take over soon.
Taurus: You are the beast. Are you enjoying the taste of human flesh? nom. nom.
Gemini: The crows threaten all of our sanity. Stay back at all costs, my young apprentice.
Cancer: Shirts were made to be worn inside out and only inside out. Anyone who disagrees is an absolute heathen.
Leo: The stars have no message for you this time. Maybe this is a good sign. Maybe it’s a bad sign. Either way, perhaps you shouldn’t have picked up that glowing amulet.
Virgo: Yes, sweaters are a form of religion. You can pry my blanket with arm holes off my charred, sweaty summer hands.
Libra: Sleep is for only the strongest warriors, my friend.
Scorpio: Assassination plots are real. And we’re not saying anything certain, but Pluto’s rotation around the sun indicates that maybe you should be a little more careful around red tiger lilies from now on.
Sagittarius: School may have started up again, but parachuting is still totally in.
Capricorn: Please stop on the coffee. Your hands are shaking enough. We’re not saying you have a problem, but maybe try to drink something that isn’t the color of tar for a while?
Aquarius: Never mind. Saturn changed its mind.
Pisces: Stop. We said beekeeping is not for you. NO. Don’t purchase a wasp hive. NO, NO NO PLEASE STOP. Okay, you know what? Forget it. Just wear the proper equipment, all right?
Aries: THE BEAST IS COMING
Taurus: THE BEAST IS COMING
Gemini: THE BEAST IS COMING
Cancer: THE BEAST IS COMING
Leo: THE BEAST IS COMING
Virgo: THE BEAST IS COMING
Libra: THE BEAST IS COMING
Scorpio: THE BEAST IS COMING
Sagittarius: THE BEAST IS COMING
Capricorn: THE BEAST IS COMING
Aquarius: THE BEAST IS COMING
Pisces: THE BEAST IS COMING
Aries: Vampires who dribble blood down their chins are not attractive. I know he’s your brother, but please teach him some discipline.
Taurus: Have you considered a career in shapeshifting? You would make a good phoenix, you know.
Gemini: Stones. Stones. Stones. Specifically, granite. You will turn into granite and will haunt the students of your school for the rest of time. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Cancer: Potato. Potato. Tomato. Tomato. The answer is important, my friend.
Leo: You will manifest the ability to fly on July the 3rd. This is for a good reason. Run for your life.
Virgo: Pluto’s rotation around the Sun is becoming worryingly wobbly.
Libra: Tomorrow, your long-lost twin sister will find you. She is out for vengeance. She will try to force herself into your home with a knife, so maybe just don’t open the door this time?
Scorpio: Are you sure summer school isn’t a good fit for your Meyers-Briggs Personality Type?
Sagittarius: On the bright side, things could be worse. Just think about how lucky you are to not be in the mouth of a basilisk.
Capricorn: Have you considered a career in long-distance running? It will seek you out by the second Friday of this month. Saturn sends its best regards and is concerned for your health and safety.
Aquarius: The great rains are coming. Bring a bathing suit tomorrow.
Pisces: Tomorrow, wear stilettos. Don’t ask, just wear them. We know what we’re talking about.